Quick note: That title is not a typo. I hate this episode. I hate it so much. I HATE IT. My hatred prevents me from coming up with a title that is comprised of actual words, so all you get is keyboard vomit. Proceed at your own risk.
Pacey and Dawson start off episode 10 (real title: "High-Risk Behavior") by having an intense discussion about how they've really been in love this whole time. Clearly, they are rehearsing lines for Dawson's dumb movie, but it's supposed to be a big ~clever reveal~ when Dawson ostensibly leans in for a kiss
only to reach for a script instead of Pacey's mouth. WOW I NEVER SAW IT COMING. (Pacey, if you were wondering, is the girl, which is not really how I saw the dynamics of that relationship playing out.)
Pacey says the script is whateva. Dawson uses too many syllables - "How many teenagers do you know that talk like that?” I SEE YOU BEING CUTE, DAWSON'S WRITERS. IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD ON YOU - and he made Joey a little too angry, "even for her." Dawson denies that the girl is Joey, but Pacey knows he’s writing about his own relationship because that’s what narcissists do!
Dawson, being a narcissist, takes this as a cue to congratulate himself on evolving as an artist, but Pacey interrupts to ask why the characters don't ever bone. It's all foreplay and no payoff, apparently, but Dawson says that's on purpose, because the "edgier choice" is to have them not do it. That's why the 50 Shades books were so big, y'all. The edgy lack of sex.
The next day at school, Dawson and Jen are handing out flyers for auditions for his stupid movie. I guess this whole episode is about his stupid movie, so I’m glad my husband poured me a second glass of wine before I settled in here.
Dawson wants this guy to be the lead
because “he’s Jimmy Stewart meets Tom Hanks.” But Jen says he’s not sexy enough. She would rather have this member of the muskrat family do it.
"Sexy will always win out over nice," she says, then encourages Dawson to make a "less obvious" choice, though, I don't know, it seems like these are all kind of obvious choices. Also, if sexy is what she's aiming for, muskrat Joe there is a terrible choice. ALSO, and I truly cannot say this enough, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT DAWSON'S STUPID MOVIE.
Apparently Andie asked Pacey to get tested for HIV even though they are not boning (I can't hate, this is totally a thing I have done), so he did, and he's negative! Andie is glad he is STD-free but tells him that does not guarantee him a VIP pass into her vagina.
Pacey tells her that's fine because he didn't get tested to "scrump" (?) with her. This just makes Andie worried that Pacey doesn't find her attractive, maybe because she is similarly confused by the use of the word "scrump" (?).
Somehow they get into a conversation about whether they want to bone, and Pacey says he'd like to "scrump" (?) with her OF COURSE but that there's no rush and they can do it whenever the time is right! Andie says she agrees. Right about here is where I figured out that this episode was going to be about nothing but boning.
Just. Why. I'm a good person. Why.
Joey’s outside drawing nudes! Dude looks like an emaciated Ken doll!
Dawson quizzes her about how she felt staring at a naked dude. He repeatedly calls her "little Joey Potter." She tells him it was awkward at first to see a penis in the flesh (see what I did there?) but it's getting better. They have a nice friendly moment, but then Joey notices Jen handing out more flyers for Dawson's stupid movie auditions and correctly assumes that she's his new movie producer.
She's not psyched.
Inside, Hep C tries to get Abby to audition with him for Dawson's stupid movie, further solidifying his status as Walking Human Garbage.
He thinks he would be a great actor, he says, plus if he were famous he would get lots of ass. I'm pretty sure this is already true - it is, after all, why I call him Hep C - but I guess his sexual appetites have not been quenched by laying waste to the entire female population of Capeside. Anyway, Abby hates Dawson and his stupid movie and is not interested in auditioning. Appropriate reaction is appropriate.
Jack is awed by Joey’s Ken doll sketch. “Shading’s excellent,” he proclaims. Even Joey thinks he's full of crap.
Seconds later, Jack spills his plastic cup of chocolate milk all over Ken. :(
Finally, definitive proof that Jack is a toddler in a teenager's body. Somebody get him a sippy-cup for that YooHoo.
Auditions for Dawson's stupid movie are not going well.
This is mostly because the people auditioning are regular teenagers who do not understand or know how to pronounce most of the words in his stupid script. We learn this via a montage, which includes these gems.
Watching these normal humans stumble through the script really hits home how ridiculous the dialogue is on this show. I know it's a hallmark of Dawson's Creek, and I know the writers are poking fun at themselves here, but the difference between Actual Teenage Talk and Capeside Dawson's Talk is kind of astonishing. Good on them for having a sense of humor about it, I guess.
Jack finds Joey and grovels about spilling milk on her stupid drawing. It is RUINED
and Joey says it's due soon. Jack asks if she can just redraw it, but Joey says IT IS A NAKED MAN and she can't do that from memory, and this was before internet porn really took off, so basically she's screwed. Obviously, this leads to Jack asking if he can pose for her. The words I need to describe my feelings have not yet been invented.
Kinda like that, I guess.
Anyway, Joey is horrified by the idea of Jack in the buff, but he basically bullies her into gazing upon his bod by pointing out that she will fail if she doesn't turn something in, and anyway, what's she afraid of? That "it'll get sexual or somethin'?"
Joey can't even.
She points out that Jack is as sexy as a potato, and not even a yummy mashed potato with butter
but like this lumpy potato that is sad.
(Those are my words; they don't have enough syllables to be part of a dialogue on this show). So Jack calls her bluff. And now I guess he's gonna nude it up for Joey.
He seems to instantly regret this decision.
Me too, Jack. Me too.
Pacey runs into Andie at the pharmacy and engages in some weird flirting by grabbing her prescription and reading the bottle.
This is inappropriate on about 11 levels. Who would do this? Maybe he thought they'd be sexy pills, but it's just Xanax, which is apparently the anti-depressant she's taking - which is FINE - but she lies and tells him it's for her mom. Somehow during the course of this awkward and inappropriate conversation, Pacey and Andie find themselves next to this wall o' condoms.
He asks her if they should take this as a sign from “the love gods” that it is Bone O'Clock. Andie says she's not ready, but then backtracks and suggests that they buy some condoms to have "on standby." Pacey, being a teenage boy, is fine with this plan.
Abby and Hep C have come to audition for Dawson's stupid movie. Hep C, naturally, is confused why the characters never do the nasty. Dawson says it's because the male lead believes that loves goes "beyond the physical," which Hep C (of course) does not understand.
He and Abby are pretty good, to be honest - until he slips her the tongue and she runs offstage to literally vomit.
Appropriate reaction is appropriate.
Andie and Pacey continue their excruciating conversation about sex as she tells him that she's thought A LOT about how she wants her first time to be. She wants a French dinner, a walk on the docks, lavender candles, Sinatra, and a historic bed-and-breakfast.
OK I know that sex is a huge deal when you're a teenager and I get it, but does anyone think this much about their first time, down to the meal beforehand and the scent of the candles? I am exhausted by all of this planning and I am a person who likes to plan things. UGH.
Pacey seems to agree and mocks her exceedingly detailed wish-list, but Andie says it's a big deal. “I’m going to remember this for the rest of my life,” she says, advocating for planning so that it’s “worth remembering.” Pacey says he would really like to be the one to make it memorable, and she says that makes her want to jump him. But then all that happens is he gives her a pretty chaste forehead kiss.
They're cute but they have no chemistry, which is probably why I give zero fucks about whether they, well, fuck. (Sorry.)
Jen tells Dawson it is obvious that his movie is about Joey, which really hurts her feelings, because she thought that she and Dawson “had something too," which she apparently felt entitled her to be represented by a character in his stupid script. Dawson says she is really important to him too, so she asks what he liked about her. Ugh, Jen. My face hurts from cringing.
Dawson tells her that skinny dipping with her didn't suck and that she is sexy, and she responds by telling him that Hep C was right about the script and that the characters should bone. Dawson hates this idea. The stupid movie is about romance, not sex, and he wants to make the "less obvious" choice. Jen says that's ironic, because if he'd gone for the “less obvious” girl, maybe his script would have turned out differently.
Which of course makes no sense. SHE broke up with HIM, and he then spent an annoying amount of time pining for her pathetically. It was only when she didn't respond that he went for Joey. But whatever! Who cares!
Jack’s getting ready to get nude!
Just in case this is at all unclear to you: IT IS VERY AWKWARD.
He offers to keep the towel on at first until they loosen up, and Joey declines, but then she freaks out as he goes to bare it all, so he leaves it on and reclines on the couch.
I really wanted to make a "draw me like one of your French girls" joke but then JACK MADE THE SAME JOKE and so I can't, although I guess maybe I sort of just did anyway? Whatever. Jack tells Joey they can stop at any time if it's awkward, and Joey basically tells him to shut up because it would be easier if they'd stop talking. But he keeps. Fucking. Talking.
Joey freaks out.
She says she can't handle seeing him naked and he should just go home. Then she flails around, tipping over the easel, which falls onto Jack and his towel drops. Joey sees his penis and HER EYES BLEED
AND THAT'S THE END.
Fine it's not, but I wish it was, AND IT SHOULD BE. Because what happens next is that naked Jack says, "I might as well stay now!" as he clutches her sketchpad to his testicles.
If this isn't enough to put Joey off art, nothing will be.
He ends up staying, and she actually gets some sketching done. Jack asks how she’s doing and she says, ”Surprisingly well. It’s OK. It feels kind of natural.” A good thing about her art, she says, is that it allows her to take chances - "art is risky," and whenever she does it, she's doing something special, just for her. I get that, I guess. She's kind of sweet in this scene, by which I mean that for once I don't want to smack her for being obnoxious.
They babble on about art, agree that it's scary, and then Joey asks Jack what scares him. "Sex," he replies. (It's all so SUBTLE, y'all.)
Joey asks why sex scares him, and he says he doesn't know because he's not a virgin. He has had sex one whole time! Presumably with another human, as implausible as that may seem.
Dawson pops up at Jen's house and tells her he is lucky to have her as a friend because he couldn't have gotten through auditions without her. Jen says that if he gets desperate she can play the lead, and he says, "Maybe you should have been my leading lady.” He says he thinks that “too much of the time.”
I just. UGH.
Then they once again start debating whether the characters should bone. Dawson says it's better if the characters resist their feelings, but Jen says that isn't realistic because everything is ruled by lust. "This is 1998. Sex is always a risky choice. I just don’t happen to believe it’s an obvious one.” Motivation matters too, she says, and lust is a better motive than love, because it can stem from someone being in pain or looking for a distraction. "And suddenly, sex becomes interesting. And not obvious. Maybe you should think about a rewrite, Dawson. You've still got time.”
This is tedious, so let me translate it for you. "I WOULD STILL LIKE TO DATE AND/OR SCRUMP (?) WITH YOU. GET ON IT."
(I HATE THIS EPISODE.)
Joey asks Jack what it feels like to have sex, then says, "Maybe you could describe it as if it were art.”
According to Jack's super-amazing description, sex is:
1. a jumble of emotions
2. kind of like expressionistic painting
3. like the first time you see Van Gogh’s "Starry Night," where everything has "feeling and movement" and the colors "seem alive"
4. like lying on Monet’s water lilies
7. the passion of Munch’s "The Scream" (closest to how I feel right now)
Mercifully, he's interrupted by the phone ringing. Joey gets up to answer it, and Jack scrambles to hide what I assume is a raging boner. THIS ART TALK IS SO HOT, OF COURSE HE'S AROUSED!
Andie’s blindfolded and Pacey’s got her in a bedroom at a “historic B&B.” He took her to a French restaurant first, so he basically set up her first-time fantasy.
Andie says she doesn't know whether to feel touched or terrified. I think the correct answer here is, "REALLY MAD," since she's told him repeatedly that she Is Not Ready To Bone Him. Pacey, perhaps sensing that he's registering on the Douche Scale, says, "Nah I didn't even mean for us to bone. I just wanted to give you the perfect night! We can save doing it!"
Andie starts stammering and says she really wants to do it but she doesn’t think she’s ready right now. She starts crying and apologizing and he says, “It’s not a big deal, we can wait.” I guess that's nice, but why put her in this situation in the first place?!
“I just wanted to give you your fantasy evening," he says. "You have no idea what you’ve done for me just by being in my life.” She makes him feel like maybe there’s hope for him, “and I don’t have to sleep with you to feel that.” Just holding her is OK, he says. Andie can't even deal. She says when he says stuff like that he really makes her wanna bone. And then they start kissing!
Over at the Leerys' (where there are still no screens in the windows) Dawson is working on his stupid script. He reaches over and grabs a framed photo of Joey, gazes at it for a minute, then sets it next to the bed before closing the computer.
Fully clothed Jack apologizes for his boner and asks if it's going to screw things up between them. Joey says they’re both human and it’s her fault anyway, because she asked to hear his super sexy art talk. She says tonight was a big step for her, but maybe she tried to do too much, and that she's "just wrestling with my hormones like everyone else.” Jack says he’s available if she wants to “explore her curiosity.”
I hate this episode. I hate it so much.
Joey considers, then says they can do some ~exploring~ because it's less terrifying now that Jack has clothes on. They come together in their coordinated over-sized plaid shirts and start kissing.
Here's her drawing!
Pencil-drawing Jack looks irritated. Pencil-drawing Jack is all of us.
Dawson shows up at Jen’s window (which also has no screen), climbs into her bed, and kisses her.
Then he says, “Don’t ask my motive."
"I know better," she says.
Allow me to interpret this for you: "I'm sad about Joey but also, I am horny, so let's bone."
"I make terrible decisions about guys, so sounds good."
(I hate this episode.)
Pacey’s making out with Andie, but then he stops. He doesn't want to bone, he says, or like no he does, but he doesn't think they're ready.
"BUT I MIGHT BE!" Andie says, but Pacey says no. "When you're ready, you'll know," he says, "and then we'll do it until the cows come home." Poor cows.
Until then, Pacey says, he wants to have a real relationship with her, so she can take all the time she needs, because he’ll be there. Then they nuzzle like little eskimos.
Jack and Joey are having a tongueless make-out sesh in their plaid.
Dawson and Jen are groping. Only she is wearing plaid.
Pacey and Andie leave the B&B as the words "To Be Continued" flash across the screen.
OH GOOD. I can't wait to find out who had sex and who's still wearing plaid.